View: Zooming in on key conversation skills in pandemic

By Randal Doane

Owner, Cadence Editorial Services

The coronavirus pandemic poses formidable challenges to the things we take for granted. Whether it's handshakes or supply chains, we have quickly discovered that things fall apart — sometimes rapidly, perhaps beyond repair. Through this state of uncertainty, one form of exchange will maintain its value: conversation. With social distancing in effect, the value of skilled conversation, for vendors and clients, and between friends, is likely to rise exponentially.

Dale Carnegie, of course, covers this ground with perfect clarity in "How to Win Friends and Influence People." His guidelines include:

• Be genuinely interested in other people.

• Smile.

• Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

• Be a good listener.

• Talk in terms of the other person's interest.

• Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely.

But Carnegie, bless his heart, never had to contend with web 2.0, where the values above are often subverted. "The average person is distracted or interrupted every 40 seconds when working in front of their computer," noted Chris Bailey in the Harvard Business Review. "In other words, we can't work for even a single minute before we focus on something else."

Think about you and your team at work: with social distancing (or shelter in place) in effect, what percentage of your daily face-to-face conversations have you lost? 80%? 90%? More than 95%? Even as millions shift platforms from in-person meetings to Zoom (or the equivalent), the rules above still hold.

At work, follow Carnegie's first rule, and take genuine interest in your neurodiverse colleagues — that is, the colleagues who have disclosed to you that they have a diagnosis of ADD, ADHD, etc., not the ones for whom you've established lay diagnoses. If you're arranging a Zoom call with your team, consider the advice of Dr. Michael Seng, owner of A Starting Point: Psychiatry and Counseling, in Sheffield: "Engage these employees one-on-one, in advance, about the opportunity this meeting provides. Identify potential outcomes that will pique their interests." During the meeting, too, engage them again. "Make note of their input in the meeting's design," Seng advised.

Peer-to-peer support also helps. The bigger the group on Zoom, the more likely your neurodiverse colleagues will struggle to focus. Consider whether a private message might be helpful, and send it to one individual only. For example: "Feeling distracted? Me, too. But don't reply just yet." In addition, make certain your camera angle points away from your keyboard, so you don't offer evidence of your own waning focus. And smile for the camera: It's safely infectious.

At home, too, abide by Carnegie's edicts. Make sure you're the friend that "make(s) that other person feel important." Social distancing opens more opportunities for friends, family and neighbors to pick up the phone and call (even without an appointment). Many of us are out of practice in this regard. At home, too, we are rarely outside the gravitational pull of Facebook. Its power is no accident. Mark Zuckerberg and company posed the following question to their user experience designers: "'How (can) we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible?" said Sean Parker, founding president of Facebook.

This past weekend, I organized a Zoom cocktail hour with four old friends, fellow GenXers, all facing variations on the theme of biggest life challenge yet — just like you, I figure. After 40 minutes, Zoom dispatched us without warning, so I called my friend Brian to extend the conversation. After the call, I checked my phone, naturally. Brian and our friends had exchanged a number of messages — while Brian and I were talking. I was oblivious, and gladly so, for I simply can't text and talk responsibly at the same time. Still, I believed I had Brian's full attention. Clearly, that wasn't the case.

Brian is one of my dearest friends and, after some pointed encouragement from my wife, I was happy to extend him the benefit of the doubt. Today, especially, it's time to play the long game. Each of us is bound to respond differently to the duress of these difficult times.

For the next round of calls from friends or family, I plan to head upstairs, grab a seat on the couch, take a deep breath and listen. Really listen. "Three-fourths of the people you will meet are hungering for sympathy," Carnegie noted. "Give it to them and they will love you."

A good reminder for these times: Offer love in the time of the coronavirus pandemic.

Doane is the owner of Cadence Editorial Services in Oberlin.